I was afraid I would see nothing at all. That I would get there, and not be astonished by what I found. Cause anything and everything I would find… it would be new. That much I knew.
I was afraid I would see nothing at all. Afraid that when I opened my eyes, that when I saw myself surrounded by light, darkness would still be lingering. I was afraid.
I was afraid so very afraid. How could this happen? Why should it happen to me? Why should it happen to anyone?
I had waited for this moment for such a long time. I had prepared myself as much as I could.
But now, here, confronted with this new path I believed it could be a fraud. That it wouldn’t mean anything new. That I wouldn’t see the change! That I wouldn’t be affected by it.
The darkness, the lack of light, didn’t scare me completely… but the feeling that creeps in when the void is surrounding every corner of your been … that was a feeling I couldn’t shake off.
So often, we make the mistake of believing in something or someone and building it up. But that it is normal, I guess, it’s human nature after all. I once read, that is innate for people to search companionship, a connection of some sort.
I am not entirely sure I wanted this conviction anymore. I was afraid of the end result.
I have seen a lot and at the same time nothing at all. I know that people judge, they are mercy less, sometimes they forget they are human, they show no compassion.
They are evil. There are some, how ever, that are light, beauty, caring. Angels, of some sort.
But, all in all, people judge. They do so without thinking that there are many sides to a to story. Nothing is that simple.
They think there is black and white and they forget that most of us live in the greys. It is by far a larger spectrum, broader and more accepting.
In the grey, there is some light and laughter, it can also capture sorrow, pain, and the fragility of life.
I can only remember, maybe that is something I only want to remember, that shattered mirror through which we occasionally catch glimpses of our world.
I was afraid of the darkness in all of its forms: grief, death, anxiety, rage, despair, loneliness, jealousy, doubt, heartbreak, and betrayal.
I was afraid, so very afraid. How could this happen? Why should it happen to me? Why should it happen to anyone?
Tha candels I light up, the candels I placed around me to have some light. Those candels where not going to last for ever. That much was clear.
I had no doubt about that. But during a short period of time, enough, they provided light. A grey that shined, that iluminated everything.
I sat alone, waiting a for time to pass me by, a bit more. Just enough, so that I could catch my breath, and open my eyes, into a dark room, into a void, hoping to see and experience something new.